You light up my life literally!
by totem
Summary: Phoebe works for San Fransico Fire department. This is her life, the ups, the downs, the sad the happy. THere is much more to her job than fire. Alot more. When things all get to much, who will she turn to? how will she handle it!
1. Default Chapter

**You light up my life – literally!**

**Prue – 30 Married to Andy has a 2 year old son, Matthew.**

**Piper – 28 Owns and works at P3**

**Phoebe – 25 Works at San Francisco Fire Department (S.F.F.D)**

**Andy – 30 Works at San Francisco Police Department (S.F.P.D)**

**Matthew – 2 (Prue and Andy's son)**

**Rich – 26 (Works with Phoebe at S.F.F.D)**

Phoebe and Piper live in an apartment in San Francisco together, and Prue and Andy live in the Halliwell manor. The fic is A.U. Phoebe works for the fire department in San Francisco and there is a lot more to this job than just fighting fire...a hell of a lot more.

But who is there to be strong for her? Who will she turn to?

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**Part 1 – On of those days!**

Stirring from the light that shone through the crack in the curtains Phoebe slowly opened her eyes, mumbling something that was not quite clear about it been too early. She realized not long after that she was there, in the room on her own. That had not been the case when she had stumbled into the apartment in the early hours of that morning. Sighing heavily she lent over and took the envelope of the empty space in her bed, opening it slowly she pulled it out and read it

Hay babe,

Sorry about the empty space in the bed but I didn't think I should be there when your sister got up, and work was calling anyway. Love you a load, so sorry about this I'll make it up to you, I promise. Call you later.

I'll be thinking about you! Speak soon love always. XXX

She read it twice more before rolling over and resting her head on his pillow, where his head lay only hours before and smelt it. This made her long for him more, wanting for him to hold her. "Love you" She mumbled as she pushed back the covers and sat up in the bed, getting ready to face the day ahead.

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Piper was sat at the table in the kitchen drinking her third morning cup of coffee, and flipping through the paper. She hared Phoebe trudge through in her boots, looking up at her sister she greeted "Morning babes how are you?"

"Tired" Phoebe growled as she downed a mug of black coffee and poured a second

"I bet, what time did you get back? And who was with you?" Piper enquired.

"About Half two or maybe three in the morning and Just a friend" Phoebe answered as she took a section of the paper and leant against the counter. One hand she held a cup of coffee and in the other the folded paper.

"So who was the friend?"

"Guy" Phoebe said absently

"Vague much Pheebs, come on you tell me everything" Piper cried

Phoebe looked up from the paper at her sisters' face that practically begged. "fine" Phoebe caved, "A really, really, really great guy" with this she put down the paper and mug and kissed Pipers cheek, "Okay, I'm late so I have to get to work" She said as she headed towards the door.

"Wait!" Piper shouted as she shot up from her seat and started off after her sister, "That was three really...do you know what that means. He's more than a friend"

Phoebe smiled as she took her jacket from the side, "I know Pipe, a lot more now drop it, I'm late" Phoebe said as she pulled open the front door and headed off down the corridor.

"Who is he?" Piper cried out in a last pathetic attempt to gain more knowledge about her sisters mystery man.

"Nobody, Now drop it...I'll see you tonight" Phoebe called back as she got into the lift.

Piper rather peeved at having to wait for her sister to return to interrogate her further turned back and shut the door. "Damn girl..." She mumbled.

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Stood in the lift, Phoebe was humming along to some awful tune she had got into her head listening to the radio in the shower this morning, her mind thinking of last night and her hands tapping along on the rail. Surprisingly she felt calm lately, really, really calm... for the first time, in a long time she was happy with her life.

As the lift found its way to the ground floor and the steel doors opened Phoebe headed out. As she took a step from the steel pod her mobile rang. Taking it from her pocket she looked at the screen, a smile larger than her face could handle spread across from ear to ear. Flipping it open she place in up to her face and spoke. "Hay baby"

"Hay babe, how are you?"

"Better now. I missed you this morning" She explained, her slight disappointment at finding the bed empty when she awoke from the slumber evident.

"I missed you too, I'm sorry. I needed to get to work, plus I didn't think you would want Piper to find me there" His voice echoed through the ear piece.

Phoebe sighed, "I'm sorry, it's not that I'm ashamed or anything I just...do not want to take this fast and mess it up."

"I understand Phoebe, its fine."

"Piper asked who I came home with last night. I was going to tell her but... couldn't, but she knows that there is someone...a really, really, really great someone."

"Really, well how about I make it four really greats by taking you out to the movies or something after work?" He asked hopeful to spend some time with Phoebe.

"Well I happen to have the night free, so who better to spend it with than a great guy whom I love dearly." She spoke as she put her keys in the car door, sitting in she slammed it and sat back still in deep convocation.

"Does that mean I'm out of the picture?" He asked, "Damn it..."

"There is only one guy I want to be with, but right now sadly I am very late for work. I love you loads and I'll talk to you later. Love you"

"Love you two baby...see you later" He beamed; Phoebe on the other end could tell that he had a smile that mirrored hers.

"Love you" She spoke, terminating the convocation she through it on the passenger seat of her SUV and headed of down the roads of San Francisco.

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"What time do you call this Halliwell?" A voice boomed from the other end of the station. Phoebe turned and smiled as the guy made his way towards her.

"Hay Rich, and its seven thirty five" She said answering his previous hypothetical question.

"Cute, real cute" He smiled, "how is everyone back at home?"

"Do you mean how's Piper?" she asked, she knew he had a soft spot but also she knew he thought to little of him self to asked her sister out, "Just ask her Rich...what's the worst that can happen?"

"She says know" He offered

"Well you'll never know...if you..." Phoebe was about to finish that when her the alarm sounded. Phoebe and Rich both reacted instinctively heading straight for the lockers to suit up and then ship out.

First call of the day, the team would disperse and do what they do best... fight fires. But little did they know it was not just a fire that they would encounter...

Phoebe, Rich and the rest of the team were in for one of them days... them really long days.

* * *

Hay guys thanks to all who have read...please tell me what you think and if i should continue. THanks again TOTEM!


	2. Hotter than hell

**Thank you so much for reading...and the reviews are great thanx. **

**oh and cc - glad you like this two. I'm still trying to write a perfect part for OH BROTHER assoon as i do i'll send it your way. Sorry. i'll try and do that soon. Thanksfor been agreat friend and sticking with my random postsand what have you! TOTEM **

**You light up my life – literally!**

**Part 2 - hotter than hell**

Her hands still shaking, her mind still full of the horror she witnessed. As Phoebe Halliwell stood in the center of a blaze that threatened her very existence clutching a small bundle in her arms she knew right now she had to push everything else out the was in her mind. One thing she thought of was her love, but that lasted all of two seconds as a gas pipe blew next to her. The heat was excruciating. Pulling the bundle closer to her chest she made her way down the corridor, hoping that she got through this all.

A few seconds later Phoebe looked up and realized that a wooden beam had feel near the door, her heart stopped and her instincts took over. She turned on her heals fast and ran through the door on her left. A small room...not much could be seen, but she was sure of one thing, a way out of here. Moving through the ruble and rubbish that littered the floor she lifted the bundle in one arm and with the other, using her elbow, she put the old thin glass that was part of this old manor threw. As she did she heard a distinctive cracking sound as the roof started to fall through. Wasting no time she jumped onto the ledge and stepped out of the gap she had made herself.

The light hurt her eyes, the sun that had been blacked out in that house was still out. The world had continued moving as she was stuck in that living hell. Then she hared a voice, an absent voice that she did not really here. Looking next to her she saw Rich, geared up also like her. Phoebe glanced back down at her arms. Now stood a fair distance away from the burning home she fell to her knees. Placed the bundle on the floor and took of her gloves and mask as fast as she could. Wasting no time, she the peeled back the corner of the blanket. There he was, a young child no more than that age of two lay, lifeless.

The horror was in her eyes, Rich also fell to his knees next to Phoebe. Looking at her he disregarded his mask. Knowing full well this child was dead he did not need to ask. He just looked at his college, at her face. The sheer horror was enough. What Phoebe had endured in that house was playing on her mind. Every last movement she made. Step she took. Picking the bundle back up she rested it against her jacket, standing to her feet she moved forward, holding the child so carefully as if a new born. Hand rested on its small head.

She hared the orders been thrown from her friends, colleges, the men that were working to save lives had failed. Failed the small child, failed the family.

Then from her hand she felt the child been taken, looking up now focusing on her surroundings she saw who it was. Kissing the head of the child she passed it over to him, the guy that stood before her had sympathy in his eyes, for the child, and for Phoebe. He knew what horror that she had to endure.

Phoebe saw he was going to say something to her, try to comfort her. She shook her head "...Family" was all she could say. HE did that, turned around and headed of to the family.

Phoebe watched him leave, watched him turn and walk away. That the guy who on many shouts who had encouraged her and given her hope and faith. What hope was there in this, what faith, did she now have left? The San Francisco fire department, relied on the Chaplin to guide them and give them strength, he couldn't not today. Not now.

Phoebe stood in the center of that openness, looking at the mayhem unmoved from the heart ach that she felt. A few seconds, or hours, most likely many minuets passed, Phoebe still in the same place felt a hand on her shoulder. Turning she saw him, and just placed her head on his shoulder, unable to cry or even make a sound he just stood with his arms around her as he tried to offer comfort. This is where they stayed the whole world moving on around them, but they were still, so still and very much was Phoebe in the past.

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Prue come tumbling down the steps of the manor; she was dressed in a pair of jeans, white shirt and brown leather ready for a shoot. As she came to the bottom there was a knock at the door. She made her way towards it.

In pulling it open that's when she saw Phoebe, "Hay there, since when do you knock the door?" Prue then looked closer at her baby sister. The youngest was leant up against the door framed of the manor absent, and vacant. "Phoebe is everything okay?" she asked worry evident.

"I...can I come in?" she asked,

Prue moved to the side, Phoebe walked forward and into the manor. "Sure, go though to the living room can I get you a drink?"

"Beer good, spirits even better" Phoebe spoke still absent, as she walked into the living room. Prue looked at her baby sister worried something was not right. Not by a long shot.

A few minuets later Prue walked into the room with a beer in her hand, she took a seat next to her sister, "I have to admit Phoebe, your scaring me right now. It is just twelve and you want to drink."

"I'm sorry, I just...didn't want to be alone right now. Not at all... I went home and Piper was out. I had to come over here"

"I'm glad you did Phoebe, but why are you not at work?"

"They...they sent me home. I'm unfit to work..." Phoebe explained as she stared of into the distance.

Prue handed her the beer. "What do you mean? Why?"

"We got a call out early this morning...an old manor...things, they went so wrong..."

"Are you okay?" Prue asked, fearing her sister had been hurt

"Physically, yeah I'm fine..." Phoebe explained,

"What's happened Phoebe, tell me..."

Just as Prue said this there was a ringing that filled the air, Phoebe took a swig from the bottle and from her pocket took the mobile out. Looking at the screen she then flipped it open. "Hello" She spoke

"Hay you" the male voice sounded, "I couldn't stop thinking about you all morning"

"Hay..." Phoebe mumbled, this was the first time that she could ever recal not been happy at the sound of his voice, but she realized then that she did need him.

"Phoebe what is it? What's wrong?" Worry had over come all his emotions.

"Can't tell you over the phone...I'll...later okay?"

"Phoebe, is everything okay? Just answer that" He pressured, his voice firm and demanding

"No" she answered truthfully

"Are you alone? I'll get off work and come to you" He spoke fearing that she was hurt,

"Stop, listen. I'm not...I'm with Prue. I'll see you later okay" She explained as she took another swig from the bottle of beer.

"Are you sure? Phoebe I don't like this..."

"I'll see you later. Bye"

"I love you Phoebe" He spoke sounding so sure of it

"Yeah, you to" Phoebe said lastly before cutting off the call. When she did she turned back to Prue, "Do you think maybe I could go sleep for an hour or two? My head it's all over the place"

"What's happened Phoebe?" Prue asked

Phoebe knew that she had to tell Prue, "We, had a call out..." She took a deep breath and sat forward resting her elbows on her knees her head on her hands. "...things were bad, I could tell. I was one of three who went into the house...we were told that there was people still inside. I wasted no time. Full kit on, canister of oxygen on my back and axe in my hand. I remember thinking about those in side how they felt. Without hesitation I ran into the house, through the door, and into the flames..." Phoebe stopped for a moment, tears threatening to fall she pushed them away and continued with her account. "I saw a guy, lying on the floor. I ran to him and dragged him out of the landing and at the top of the stairs Rich was there he lifted the guy onto his back and headed out of the manor. He told me that It was to unstable to carry on. He was right the floor was heating up from the fire, it was falling apart. I just pushed him down and told him I'd follow. That's when a pipe or something exploded in the hallway. I looked..." Phoebe's voice was becoming lost as she relived the horror, "I looked down there and something told me I couldn't leave. So I didn't, I ran towards the room at the far end and when I...I rounded the corner there was a cot...a small baby in I ran to him, his face blackened with smoke, I lifted him, into my arms he was so light Prue. I wrapped him up in my arms and held him to my chest then made my way from the room and back to the stairs. The roof was falling now, large beams crashed, crashed sown around me. I pushed my way through. Literally pulling the wood away with my free hand the other holding the small..." Phoebe stopped and fell stood up, walking over to the mirror she looked at her self; she felt something deep down, something strong. "I got out eventually but he was dead Prue, that small baby was dead. I keep thinking about his mother, his aunts, his father. How do they feel?"

Prue was speechless; she didn't know what to say. She stood up and walked over to Phoebe. The youngest turned to her and she lost it, "It shouldn't have happened Prue? That kid should not be DEAD!" she screamed. "How could he let this happen PRUE? If there is a god, up there then how? His hands were so small, his face..." Phoebe sat down on the coffee table her legs giving way; she placed her face in her hands. "I failed, my job is to save these people and I failed..."

Prue knelt in front of Phoebe, she took the youngest hands in her own and forced her to make eye contact. Prue could see nothing but sadness in Phoebe's eyes, "You CAN NOT, blame you Phoebe. This is not your fault...it's an accident a terrible accident. NO one is to blame."

"You have know idea what it was like Prue, he was so, so small" Phoebe totally lost it now she fell into Prue. The oldest sister's heart broke. She lifted her sister up and helped her over to the sofa where Phoebe sat, head in Prue's shoulder letting it all out.

Everything that the day, so short not more than a few hours, had brought.

The day that was far from over


	3. as real as ever

**You light up my life – literally!**

**Sorry for the wait guys, a litle fight with that muse of mine lead to her going on strike but we went to the table of reason and she helped create this part. We are still in negotiations about all the other fics. Sorry bout that but for now enjoy...thanks for reading totem**

_**C.C. -** DUDE again i thank you for the review and hay maybe you should sort my muse out for me. She don't listen to my word of compromise and reason. LOL. Well at least i managed to get this chap out of her. Hope you like._

**ANd thanks to all who have reviewed this they do mean a lot to me each on holds somthing special...thanks.**

**Part 3 – as real as ever**

A week, a whole week and things were still as real as ever, in her head, in her sleep that was. Night after night she had woken up with the image of the young child in her mind, and now was no different. Violently she shot up gasping in her bed, she pushed back the covers and attempted to get out of the bed until she felt the arms around her waist.

"Hay...hay there Come on honey your okay" He reassured her, sitting forward so he was as close as he could possibly be to her he rubbed his hand on her back and had the other wrapped around her waist. "Take deep breaths your fine honey." Phoebe fell into him, "That's it calm down" he instructed her. Like he did every other time she woke up like this if he was not physically there next to her then he was on the phone.

A few comfort filled minuets Phoebe finally spoke, "Sorry..."

"You have nothing at all to be sorry for, you know that, and I do." He soothed, "Lie down honey" He spoke softly as he guided Phoebe back onto the bed. "I'll go get you a drink okay?" he asked

Phoebe just nodded as she looked into the darkness still very much in her mind. Phoebe let across and took his hand in hers. "Darryl I love you" she spoke softly.

He smiled and lent forward, "I love you too Pheebs" he kissed her softly and the pulled back, "I'll just get you that drink"

"K" She answered.

Darryl walked from the room in her apartment and through to the kitchen. Tonight he was able to walk around freely as Piper was at the manor babysitting and staying the night. He felt so sorry for Phoebe, since the incident a week ago she had not been the same, things between them had got a lot stronger, she needed comfort and he was there to provide it. Always would be, he loved her so much that nothing would tear them apart. Well at least he wished for things to turn out like that.

Walking back into the room he turned on the light and Phoebe sat up, he handed her the glass and took a seat, she took the drink and gulped it down in a few swigs then turned to him passing the glass over. HE placed it on the side and then turned of the lamp. Getting back into the bed her moved over to her and put an arm around her waist and the holding her hand. "You okay baby?" He asked,

"Yeah...thanks" She sighed, as she snuggled close to him. He made her feel so safe and he knew this. "I feel like I would die if I didn't have you by my side" She explained as she looked into his eyes that were highlighted from the moon.

"Well honey I'm not going anywhere, never! I love you and I'll keep you safe." He explained looking into her eyes, "Phoebe I really do love you I'm not just saying that"

"How sad am I...I have to be held like a baby because of some damn nightmare. You sure you don't mind looking under the bed and in the closet. You know the monster man might be there" Phoebe mocked herself. It's what she did when she felt like an idiot. She mocked herself.

"Phoebe, come on honey you know it's not like that"

"Isn't it. I ring you up crying, or panicking or hyperventilating. And when you are here you have to hold me down to stop me from going psychotic. It shouldn't be like this Darryl. It should be so...hard."

"You'll get over it Phoebe. It will just take time"

"And meanwhile it's like your going to bed with a scared child. I just...I'm sorry"

Darryl pulled her close, "Hay honey stop it. Stop apologizing...just stop...lay down you need to calm down" He said holing her against him protectively. "try and rest Phoebe..."

"I went to the funeral Darryl" She spoke as if reliving some traumatic experience

"What? You never told me that. You never said that to me...I would have been there with you"

"I needed to do this alone" she dismissed, "I felt like, when I saw the families crying and everything that I had let them down."

"Phoebe don't put yourself through this. You know you did everything in your power"

"Power, No I have no power...I just do what I have to...the person who holds all the damn power is up there, that Is one messed up god. He took my mother away, my mom, grams...now this little kid. A baby. He took the life of a baby...why?" Phoebe was getting angry now, really angry.

Darryl kisses her forehead, "Phoebe I do not have the answer ... but you need to rest. This isn't doing you any good"

Phoebe just turned into his chest and let him comfort her, night after night this how it went. Nightmare first...then after they got the whole shock period, after a drink of water and on occasions something stronger she went to guilt, guilt of putting Darryl through this and then the guilt for not saving the baby in that fire, after guilt came anger at the god who had the power to stop this. And then lastly was the comfort period, where her talk her down over the phone or hold her tight as she drifted of into a sleep. He soon followed as they lay close.

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The sun had rose on the city, Piper was standing in the doorway to the garden of the manor looking out over it. The sun was flooding through the manor and ever so gently waking up its occupants one by one. Already it had claimed its first two victims, Piper and her nephew Matthew who was sat in the play pen set up in the sun room.

"hay sis" Piper swung around

"A victim number 3" She called over

Prue cocked an eyebrow, "Okay, you have had your cup of coffee. I haven't more you know pretty sun ugly rain kind of stuff. No riddle philosophical stuff"

"Sorry Prue, I'm on about the sun. You're the third it's gotten up in the manor"

"No actually" Prue informed as she poured herself coffee, "Andy claimed me, and he's getting ready for work."

"Oh, well it got your sun at about seven thirty I think" Piper smiled looking over at the infant in the pen.

Prue placed her coffee on the side and made her way over, "Oh baby" She spoke leaning down and picking him up, "How's mommy's soldier boy? Hay? Were you good for aunty Piper?" She placed him on her hip and walked back over to the counter. Matthew was giggling away as he looked at his mother. In between pulling faces Prue turned to Piper, "How was he last night?"

"Great actually, he got a bit fussy around seven but soon dropped off to sleep" Piper explained, "So how was your night?"

"Well, great actually. I mean...we really got to spend time together with out that bloody beeper going off and I got a convocation finished and a meal and hell even a little romancing after..."

Piper smiled, "I'm happy for you and if you ever need to spend some time together again. I can take this little dude off you for a night...hell even a weekend"

"Well I may just take you up on that" Prue laughed, "Thanks and I owe you for last night" She then walked over to the table and Put Matthew in his high chair.

"Do you think he notices? You know that Phoebe hasn't been around a whole lot lately?" Piper asked absently.

"Yeah...actually I think he does. She was always the kid...she's act just like him. He misses that. I think its just a bit too soon for her to be around him, you know...the whole age thing and the whole...how is she?"

"Holding up, putting on a brave face. I know she cries at night, I hear her. She talks to someone on the phone, I think she's, no I know she has got a boyfriend and she turns to him for comfort. She comes in late with him and he's out early. Who ever it is, he's looking out for her" Piper explained, "So for the moment I'm leaving her deal but, soon I'm going to have to intervene. It pulls me apart to hear her at night."

"Give he time. She'll get over it."

"She's starting back soon. She told me..."

"Is she ready for that?" Prue asked, her motherly instincts showing

"Well she'll have to be proved fit for work by the stations psychologist person then she's ready to go"

"Sure hope she's holding up. I couldn't imagine that Piper...I mean if it was Mat...in the fire. How would I feel. I mean Phoebe held the kid, she saw it...she felt responsible. I could not imagine what she went through."

I think that's why she finds it hard to, you know...be around Mat...she thinks about the what ifs as well"

"Morning Ladies" Andy's usual perky voice cut through the somber mood that had fell upon them.

Piper looked at him, "Hay there, good morning"

"Why wouldn't it be? The house has my beautiful wife, my lovely sister, and my son." With this he kissed Prue on the lips, "Morning babe"

"Morning honey...so what time you working to?" Prue asked

"Not sure..." Then Andy knelt infront of his giggling son, "Hay there slugger how you holding up? Pressure from the women? I know how you feel"

"cute. Not!" Prue spoke, then she turned back to her sister, "You staying for anything to eat?"

"No I got to get to the club, then home to check on our youngest sister. I'll try and get her over here later...you know out the house."

"Yeah, that'll be great. We can spend some time together" Prue agreed

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She pushed the key into the lock and turned it pushing open the door with her free hand. As she made her way into the apartment she threw the keys on the side and called out, "Pheebs? You in?" Receiving no answer Piper made her way into the kitchen, put the shopping bag down and walked back out in search of the youngest.

Knocking lightly on the door she called, "Pheebs, you awake?"

"Hmm" Phoebe mumbled,

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah" Came the absent reply. Piper pushed open the door to find her sister still lay on the bed. It was obvious someone had been there with her but there was now no sign of that person.

"Hay how you doing?" Piper asked,

"I'm okay" Phoebe answered still lay on the bed.

"Join me for lunch? We can get out of here for a few hours" Piper asked,

"I don't feel up to it Pipe. Sorry"

"Okay then, you know I'm a chef...we can eat in" Piper reasoned,

"Sure" Phoebe accepted that, "What time is it?" she then asked

"Half one" Piper answered, "You slept in"

"Never slept much...just thinking"

"Care to share?" The older sister asked

"Nothing much to it...thinking about life really"

"Anything good come up?"

"Not at all, just death..." Piper saw her sister needed a hug so venturd over to the bed and lay next to her, wrapping her arms around her.

There was a few moments of silence until Piper broke it, "Phoebe, since when do you wear men's aftershave?"

Phoebe let out a small laugh, "Oh, I was just getting in touch with my masclin side"

"Yeah and I'm sure he was getting in touch back" Piper joked, "You go catch a shower and then well eat in. Okay?"

"Sounds good"


	4. pretty good… considering

**Part 4 - pretty good... considering**

"Captain rang this morning" Phoebe cut into the silence that had fallen over the table as they ate the lunch Piper had prepared.

"Really? What did he say?" Piper asked, her opertunity now arising to find something out.

"Next Monday, I go in have a meeting and ... if all goes well then I'm back at work" Phoebe spoke as if relaying the news or something, Piper could not read her, there was no emotion.

"So, how do you feel? I mean...about going back?" Piper put her fork down and paid all her attention to the Halliwell sat across from her.

"Actually, pretty good...I mean considering I held a two year old in my arms as he died" Phoebe spoke, "Things are never going to be the same Pipe, not at all. There is no way I'll be able to walk into a burning house now without expecting to carry out a dead body or something but, it's my job and I need to get back because to be honest as lovely as our apartment is, I think I'm going to go insane. TOTALLY crazy."

Piper knew this was hard, hard on Phoebe but she wanted to show her encouragement, "I have all my confidence in you Phoebe, things will be okay. I trust you..."

"I wish I trusted myself" Phoebe explained, she put the fork on the plate and looked at her big sister, "I just don't anymore Piper, I do not trust myself or have any faith in a god I trusted and loved. It's messed up my head, you can see it, I can see it...everyone can see what it has done to me. I haven't been able to see my nephew in over a week because of it...I used to see that little guy every night." Phoebe was letting all her pain out but still, to Piper's amazement, refused to cry.

"you are strong, way stronger than I'll ever be, way stronger than Prue and a hell of a lot stronger than our father...you're the person I look up to Pheebs, maybe it should be Prue you know with her been the oldest and having a family, everything I want but you...Honey you have so much more that truthfully I envy, respect and look up to you. I want to have a fraction of what you have...just a fraction of your strength." Piper explained, and it was the truth she was not just saying this stuff, it was what she felt...she wanted to become just a fraction of what Phoebe had become.

"Yeah, maybe I was strong but, I've lost it Pipe. I can not even sleep through the night without waking up in fear of having to pick up the body of my nephew from a crib as the house around me falls down. How is that strength?"

"Because..." Piper said taking Phoebe's hand, "you are talking about going back, you want to go back. This is just something that you are going through right now, you'll get over it."

"Maybe..." Phoebe stood up, "Look, sorry about this Pipe but I have to go...I need to go and see someone"

"and would this someone be no stranger to your bad?" Piper asked, "Am I ever going to find out who he is?" Piper was trying to break the tension, and hell she was her sister and curiosity did get the better of her.

Phoebe smiled, a sad smile but it was something, "I have no idea what you are talking about" She tried the WHO ME I'M INNOCENT ACT but by now she should have known, Piper could see straight through her.

"I'm not going to find out am i?" Piper asked,

"Sorry Pipe, not today..." Phoebe took her jacket and headed for the door, before walking out she turned back, "Thanks for the talk" She was sincere she truly did appreciate Piper's attempt at convincing her things would be okay...but she just could not believe that.

"No problem, anytime you need to talk I'm here Pheebs. Oh and I was thinking ... do you want to come around to Prue's later today...Wine, catch up, sisterly-ness stuff?"

"First off, sisterly-ness, I told you that you can not re-write the dictionary and add what ever you like in, it is not a word. Secondly, sorry I can't and I may not be home tonight"

"See mystery guy again, I'm starting to think you love him more than me" Piper put on a fake child like hurt voice.

"You know that isn't true, I'm sorry some other time"

Piper smiled, "Sure honey, take care of yourself and call if you need anything at all"

"Will do...love you"

"Bye" Piper called back as the door shut, "Love you too"

-----

She was stood in the lift, lent against the banister on the side. Hands on the rail when she happened to notice the guy stood to her left which she had failed to see prior. "Afternoon" He greeted

"Hi" Phoebe answered politely, she then looked at the floor and back up at him he was still looking at her expectantly, "Do I know you?" She asked

"Urm, are you Phoebe? Phoebe Halliwell?" He asked turning to face her

"Yes that is who I am, how can I help you?" she asked, intrigued as to who he was

"I'm the father of the boy who died in the fire. You...You know the one at..."

"Davidson street...I remember" She finished,

"Yeah...I just...wanted to talk to you. Can I buy you a coffee or something"

Phoebe looked at his face now and remembered he was the guy she had dragged from the top of the steps, the father who's child she failed, the man she had let down, "I'm sorry about...about your son" She said it, she let the word out, 'son' it made it so much more real to her that there was a family who were in pain over this.

"thanks you...like I said, I just really need to talk to someone about it...the whole fire thing and I never got to thanks you for saving my life...can I get you that coffee?"

Phoebe was shell shocked she just nodded her head, "Yeah, sure..."

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**Thanks for reading guys…Please leave a review**


	5. the one she once was

Hey guys i know could i have gone longer without posting? sorry about that --- here it is. I know i haven't spoke to some of you guys in a good while but hey guys i'll get to it soon. - - - sorry again alot of hectic stuff going on right now! ! ! Here is LIGHT UP MY LIFE LITERALLY!

Part 5 - the one she once was

Phoebe walked through the park, it was now around an hour since she had left the coffee shop and she was still thinking of the words they had spoken to each other, the father of the dead child and herself. She couldn't look at him through out there meeting, not fully in the eyes because what little she did see showed way too much emotion, more than Phoebe could handle – she was trying to deal with her own, his added to it would have magnified the intensity of her emotions greatly.

He had asked questions, and Phoebe had managed to keep it professional – she managed to answer like a fire fighter, facts, figures and the probability was what ruled the convocation. She talked like – like she had not been emotionally traumatized by the event, like it had not affected her. She was unsure of how she had managed to do that…but she had. DID the training really work? What she was taught kicked in and Phoebe just spat out the answers. Even if herself she didn't believe them.

It was the end of the convocation that had killed Phoebe the most, he thanked her – the father who had lost a child, thanked her for her attempts to save his family, and thanked her for saving his life. Phoebe only wished that he could be thanking her for saving his baby. But he couldn't.

Right now she wanted to be alone, no sisters, no boyfriend and no emotional people. Just herself, She needed to sort all of this out.

-----

She had done the searching for herself, now she walked towards the door of the person that she needed to be held by. Lifting her hand she knocked it twice. It did not take long for the door to be pulled open, "Phoebe, Jesus…I was worried. You were meant to be here hours ago, like four and a half. Are you okay?" He asked pulling her into a tight hug.

She complied and put her arms around him, "Sorry, I didn't mean to be late…I mean I left the apartment over five hours ago but…" She stopped, and then looked up at Darryl, she kissed his lips softly, "I love you" she said

"I love you too Pheebs" He sighed in relief kissing her forehead, "Where were you?"

"Coffee shop with…the dead baby's father" She explained

He pulled back, "What! Are you okay?" He feared that Phoebe was emotionally broken from this

Phoebe nodded, "yeah…well as fine as I can be with all of this…"

There was a pause, "Come on come in and sit down… movie and pizza while we sit in front of the fire sound good?" He asked

"Just what I need" She answered

-----

They had eaten the pizza and were sat on the chair in each others arms, "So you are going back…you know that means I don't get to see you as often…I mean the past few weeks…I really like having you around…not working nights and stuff"

"Well to be honest, I need to get back into it…if not now I do not think I ever will"

"I worry about you…every time you walk out of here to go to work…I worry" He admitted

"I would not have it any other way" Phoebe smiled,

"I sit up wondering what you are doing…if you're okay…where you are" Darryl looked over at the burning fire, "I'm scared for you"

Phoebe hugged him and rested her head on his chest, "I do the same when you leave me…every morning you leave the apartment and I wake up wanting you so bad and fearing I'll never see you again, fearing that something will happen to you"

"I wish that I could make everything better for you" he admitted

"only I can do that…but been with you helps" She admitted, then after the silence Phoebe then again spoke, "Piper wants to know the guy that leaves so early" Phoebe then smiled, deciding to lighten the mood

"Really and what did you say?"

"I told her I was innocent before running out of the apartment" She laughed, Darryl also laughed, "She really wants to know who the cute guy with the great smelling aftershave is you know"

"Really, and what are you going to tell her" Darryl asked as he hugged Phoebe to his chest running his hand through her hair.

Phoebe felt so relaxed, and for the first time in ages settled, she closed her eyes and answered, "I have decided to tell them about …my fantastically great and very sexy boyfriend…"

"Really?" He asked, "Are you sure about that…because I thought…"

"Baby did I ever tell you that you think too much?" Phoebe asked as she looked into the fire

"No… but you always tell me how much you love me"

"Is that right? I don't recall" Phoebe teased as she turned so she was now lying on her back looking up at him

"Oh you don't remember, come on…are you telling me that you don't remember this?" He asked bending down and kissing her softly, Phoebe moved while still kissing him onto his lap and he put his arms around her. She pulled back from the kiss, "I love you" She spoke softly as she hugged him, "I love you so much" She spoke into his neck.

"I love you too baby" he said as he hugged her close

"I'm sorry" Phoebe spoke, "I'm sorry about everything"

Darryl moved his hand to Phoebe's lower back, "Nothing Phoebe, nothing at all to be sorry about" He reassured her, she sat back a little and looked into his eyes, "Nothing" He said again. She kissed him again. She loved this guy.

As they sat in each others arms, Phoebe just wanted to know why? Why had it all happened? Why had everything in the past weeks happened, "I am going to tell them" Phoebe said as she sat on his lap with her head rested on her shoulder, Darryl was running his hand through her hair as the two spoke.

"About us?" He asked

Phoebe nodded, "Yeah, you know why I haven't before right?" She asked as she kissed his neck, "I really love you Darryl, I mean beyond anything I have ever felt before…I'm scared I'm going to lose you and that's why I didn't want to tell them. I have trouble dealing with other peoples pressure and stuff."

"I understand Phoebe, I get it. I fell the same way that you do about this, relationship. I don't need your sisters to know for you to prove anything Pheebs, honey tell them because you want to not because you feel you have to."

Phoebe smiled; she loved how understanding he was, supportive and loving. "I want them to know who the great guy is who has been watching out for me, I want to be able to wake up with you lying next to me in the morning. I want you to know how much I love you"

"I know Phoebe…and I love you too" Phoebe kissed him; she kissed him softly and fell once again into his safe loving hold. She belonged here, with him. The only thing she hoped for was that she could get passed the fire and…get through it all mentally gaining the strength to actually get back into action. And once again be able to be the fire-fighter she once was.

But would she ever be that person, the one she once was?


	6. pressure gets to us all

Part 6 - pressure gets to us all

"Morning Honey" He smiled as he walked in with a cup off coffee to Prue,

"Morning, you got back late?" She asked, "I didn't hear you come in"

Andy sat next to her on the bed, "Yeah, I got back in the early hours…"

"Why are you still in your suit?" Prue asked as she took a sip of the coffee

"I'm…I'm not, I have to get back out there…heavy case load sorry" he explained,

Prue put down the coffee on the side table and closed her eyes, "no Andy, you can't do this to me…what about Matthew? I have to be in work today…you know that. Please Andy don't do this to me again" Prue practically begged.

"Prue I know that you…"  
"That I what Andy" Prue asked, "I have three assignments to be in today…if I don't get in there I won't have a job to go to"

"I know but Prue I'm on the Watson murder case, I can't get out of today" Andy explained

"For god sake Andy, I have a job to…I have a job that is just as important as yours. I can't call in Sick again, I can't take another family emergency and I damn well don't think I should have to. I work from home most the time but there are the odd occasions much like today that I need to go in. I have a meeting Andy…I asked you three weeks ago to actually take this day off. I need some help with our son." Prue stood out of the bed and Andy also stood to his feet.

"Are you saying that I don't help out?" he asked,

"No I'm saying that I am sick of always having to put my career on hold…you said that you'd help me out Andy. I work half time and most of that time is at home…is it too much to ask for you to be able to keep up your part in this partnership." Prue looked at Andy, and then she sat down back on the bed.

He sat next to her, "Look Prue, I understand that in the past year things have been tough around here. I know I have not been around a lot. I'm sorry but I promise soon I'll sort it out, I'll sort out my head and our life but today…I need to go in."

"Andy…this is what you say all the time, I really want you around at night, I want you to keep to what you say. I can't take this pressure Andy."

"I know that your stressed about everything lately, you sister, Matt, me, work but I promise I'll sort it out. I'm sorry"

"Fine, go…just go to work, I'll find a way to cope like I always do" Prue was fully aware that she was blowing this way out of proportion but it was true she was sick of it…sick of it all. Her life was stressful enough she wished that she could rely on him, trust what he said.

"I'll be home later tonight…I'm sorry…and I love you" He lent forward and kissed Prue on the check.

"Yeah…what ever" Prue moaned, Andy turned ad left to room.

-------------------------

"I'm coming" Piper shouted at the banging door, she walked down the corridor, "I'm coming" she said again as if to in form them she was on her way. She opened the door to see Prue stood there holding Matthew in her arms with a bag on her other. "Morning Prue, I sense you want more than a morning chat with me"

"Piper, I'm sorry…could you maybe…look after matt today?" Prue asked, she seemed pissed and even a little sad.

"I thought it was daddy day today" Piper spoke,

"It was but he let me down again…what's new?" She asked, "I'm sorry to ask pipe…" Prue was stooped by Piper putting up her hand

"Prue, you're my sister…I'll help you out – but first come in off the door step and sit down. You have time for coffee?" Piper asked as she took Matt from Prue's arms

"Yeah thanks pipe" She said following them, through to the living room. Piper who was now stood in the middle of the room rocking her laughing nephew looked over at Prue. "Okay I sense trouble in paradise" Piper said, "Have you two had a fight?" She asked

"Are you kidding me he wasn't around long enough for us to fight. He woke me up with coffee, said he had to go…we had…it couldn't even be classed as a heated discussion and he left." Prue placed her hand on her head, "I'm sorry about this…I know you have better things to do than look after my kid…"

"Well funnily enough – nothing to pressing…I'll call the manager and sort the club out from home. I can look after this little guy for as long as you like"

"Thank you so much – you are a life saver…" Prue sounded so relieved, "I'll make it up to you" She promised

Piper turned to Prue, as Mathew lay against her shoulder sleepily "You know he don't mean to piss you off?" Piper said

"Yeah well he does…I just need him to be around more, Piper and I need to see him… I can't handle the whole – work stuff. Matthew wasn't well last nigh…he had a high temperature and I was scared Pipe, I wanted him to be there. It's not just today it's all the little things that are doing my head in."

"You Prue need to calm down…talk it through with him…"

"Yeah you're right I mean – he's a great guy but he is just so bloody annoying. I just wish he'd put me before his god damn job sometimes" Prue explained

"I tell you what…tonight after work you come back here…you come back and we have a sisters night…a little wine, and a good talk"

Prue nodded, "Sounds good, right now I think I need that coffee though and need to get to work"

Piper smiled, "Sure thing" she gently lowered a now sleeping Matthew to the couch, "He isn't well still I don't think" Piper said, "He's worn out still"

Prue lifted the cushions of the back of the sofa and positioned them to make it safe to lay him on there with out him rolling off. "If he's still like this tonight I'll take him to the doctors" Prue said as she walked away into the kitchen.  
---------------------

Phoebe waited for the lift to come to a standstill; she was lent against the side waiting with her head rested against the wall. Last night she had a bad night un able to get the images and nightmares to leave her head. She hadn't had much sleep at all. Although waking up with Darryl next to her had filled her with some kind of happiness she was still having trouble coping.

The lift doors opened and she walked towards the door, truth be told she had cried again last night and right now she just wanted to get to her room and get into her bed. Even if she didn't sleep she knew she wanted to be away from the concern, the talking the whole lot of it. She put her keys in the door and opened it.

Walking into the apartment she headed straight to her room hoping to avoid Piper, she headed towards the living room picking up her mail on the way. As she flicked through she turned into the room. Looking up she saw him, Matthew was lay – asleep. Phoebe dropped the mail, as she was hit with memories…


End file.
